reallyreallyreallytrying: Duke Nukem walked into... - CONJUGAL VISITS
~ Wednesday, August 10 ~
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reallyreallyreallytrying:
“ Duke Nukem walked into the bathroom and noticed the spectre straight away. “It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum,” he quipped, “and I’m all out of gum.” Duke Nukem paused for effect. The spectre said nothing.
“Damn,...

reallyreallyreallytrying:

Duke Nukem walked into the bathroom and noticed the spectre straight away. “It’s time to kick ass and chew bubble gum,” he quipped, “and I’m all out of gum.” Duke Nukem paused for effect. The spectre said nothing.

“Damn, you’re ugly,” Duke Nukem said, keeping his chaingun trained on the spectre. “I’ll rip your head off and shit down your neck!” The spectre said nothing, again. It pissed Duke off. “Listen to me, you ugly sumbitch. Your ass is grass and I’ve got the weed-whacker!” He hocked a big loogie in the spectre’s direction and fired a few rounds at the ceiling. He preferred it when they came at him, but the spectre remained silent and motionless.

Duke began to feel nervous.

“I’m gonna kick your ass,” he shouted at the spectre and it lifted its tiny hands up and made a circular motion in mid-air and suddenly there was a sound like air rushing all around even though they were both standing in a decrepit men’s room in the base of this enormous, derelict office block. The noise grew louder and Duke Nukem’s extremities started to tingle. He muttered “Damn, you freak,” and the spectre lifted its head up. Duke squinted. Was that a light under the spectre’s chin? He shook his head. “Not my problem!” he shouted and squeezed the trigger on the chaingun and hundreds of bullets smashed into the corner where the spectre was standing. Nothing happened.

The spectre motioned with its hands again and the tingling became unbearable. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” Duke mumbled frantically and dropped the gun. He slumped against the wall and clutched his feet in agony. Duke’s fingernails popped off and the flesh on his hands began to peel away from the bone. Blood welled up over the top of his boots.

It was getting hard to see, but Duke gritted his teeth and stuffed his hand in his pocket and ignored the excruciating pain as the flesh and sinew on his arms was sheared off. There had to be a medkit in here somewhere. That’d fix him up. The noise grew louder. Duke Nukem felt his eardrums burst and he screamed, probably, but who could say. He pulled his hand out of his pocket and recoiled in horror from the bare, bloodied bone and muscle. His head knocked against the wall and he slumped to his side and gurgled through the vomit and blood that rushed up his throat and then he died. The spectre’s hands returned to its sides. Duke Nukem’s blood dripped through the grate in the floor.

(Source: fmtownsmarty)

Tags: Duke Nukem so great
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